The War with my Body

Bulimia Nervosa [byoo-lim-ee-uh nur-voh-suh]: Noun- an emotional disorder involving distortion of body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, in which bouts of extreme overeating are followed by depression and self-induced vomiting, purging, or fasting.

Warning Signs of Bulimia Nervosa

• Evidence of binge eating, including disappearance of large amounts of food in short periods of time or finding wrappers and containers indicating the consumption of large amounts of food.
• Evidence of purging behaviors, including frequent trips to the bathroom after meals, signs and/or smells of vomiting, presence of wrappers or packages of laxatives or diuretics.
• Excessive, rigid exercise regimen--despite weather, fatigue, illness, or injury, the compulsive need to “burn off” calories taken in.
• Unusual swelling of the cheeks or jaw area.
• Calluses on the back of the hands and knuckles from self-induced vomiting.
• Discoloration or staining of the teeth.
• Creation of lifestyle schedules or rituals to make time for binge-and-purge sessions.
• Withdrawal from usual friends and activities.
• In general, behaviors and attitudes indicating that weight loss, dieting, and control of food are becoming primary concerns.
• Continued exercise despite injury; overuse injuries.

This week is eating disorder awareness week. I don’t usually recognize or even remember this awareness week mainly because I don’t like to think about it. It isn’t until someone posts something on social media that I am reminded and thoughts flood my brain that I rather forget. 

You’re probably wondering why I am choosing to write about this week then. Why am I shedding light on something I rather keep in the dark? Well, I started a blog. I started a blog to inform and help others. I can’t do either of those things if I am not honest with you all and myself about who I am, where I’ve been and where I am now. So here it goes.

I’m sure if you have been reading the blog up to this point you have noticed little hints I’ve dropped about my disordered eating habits. I haven’t spelled it out for you but today I will.

I think this must be one of my favorite pictures from my wedding. It really encompasses how I felt that day. Strong and beautiful. For those that truly know me, you know that it is a rare occasion that I feel that way, especially at the same time. Looking through my wedding photos I see a woman, that if even for one night, was comfortable and happy in her own skin. Every day is a fight with my body and in those moments that we are at peace with each other I hold onto those moments for dear life. Although I’m not at my thinnest I am at my strongest and at my healthiest. Each day I look in the mirror and I mentally tell myself one thing I like about my body, no matter how difficult it may be. It’s a practice I took on a couple years ago.

The daily war I wage with my body is not new. I have been fighting this battle my whole life, practically. All through my grade school years, K-12, I was teased, bullied, ridiculed, whatever you want to call it, because of my weight. I was never a small kid and that made me a target. I was called names, songs were sung about my weight, I was pushed, slapped, kicked. I was the fat kid. 

At my heaviest I was 210 lbs. Toward the end of high school I actually found a diet that worked in my favor. I went on a low carb diet and much to my surprise I lost 50 lbs in 3 months. I was finally under 200 lbs and felt amazing. I felt like I was finally breaking free of the prison that my body had been for so many years. I started wearing more feminine clothing, I got my first boyfriend and the perfume lady at Dillard’s finally asked me if I would like a sample! I was ecstatic.  Unfortunately, that bit of confidence I had gained was again trampled on when I got to college. Believe it or not the teasing about ones weight does not stop at high school.

When I was 21 I finally left the nest and I moved in with a guy I worked with and a couple other roommates. My co-worker was a handsome guy, into his looks and was always sleeping with someone. I felt so inferior. I mean, I didn’t want to be cocky like him but I wanted to look like the girls he liked. I didn’t want him to like me, I thought of him like a brother so that would be WEIRD but I wanted to look like those girls. Those girls that get the good looking guys. Those thin, beautiful girls. I wanted to achieve the one thing I had been seeking for so long. I felt like if it could just be skinny everything would change. All of my problems would disappear.

My co-worker and I would go running together, I started going to gym, it was great! I really started to see and improvement in my physique. That just motivated me more. He was very much into his looks and always watched what he ate. I thought he was the right person to follow so I picked up his eating habits. I still stuck to a low carb diet but now I was incorporating protein bars, lots of water and plain chicken. The more I worked out and the more I limited what I ate the more weight I lost. The more results I saw. It became an obsession. I became obsessed with getting through the day on as little carbs and calories as possible. My body was once again my prison but I refused to see it that way.

As much as I tried to ignore it, this new lifestyle was really starting to affect me mentally and physically. I was restless and tired all of the time. I couldn’t concentrate on school which caused my grades to drop. I had terrible mood swings but I was 135lbs. I weighed myself every day and I still thought I needed to lose more.

One night I was in my room and a had a shot glass of chocolate chips. I felt I had to hide them because if my roommate saw me with them he would give me a hard time and I would feel like I was disappointing him and myself. As I finished the shot glass of chocolate chips I instantly felt this overwhelming remorse for what I had just done. I felt like I had done the worst thing possible. How could I be so weak to eat those chocolate chips!? What is wrong with me? Im never going to lose weight if I slip up like that. So, I tried to throw them up. I hunched over that toilet seat, stuck my finger right down my throat and coughed and gaged until I finally gave up. I sat on the floor with tears welled up in my eyes from the attempted vomit but I was numb. Did I just do that? Did I really try to throw up the chocolate chips? It was at the moment I knew something was very wrong. I knew I had to seek help or i would be a statistic.

I spent a little over 2 months in therapy and it was there I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. Not because I was a binge eater per-say but because I saw full meals or occasional snacks as binging and in turn would do anything to purge my body of the "damage" I thought I had done. I felt like a failure. How did I end up in therapy? How did I get to this point? Through therapy I gain a bit of confidence back and I gained weight. It took a while but I started eating full meals again. I started enjoying desserts again. I started enjoying life again.

A couple years later I was in the shower one morning and looked down. I saw my stomach and it brought back so many memories of my childhood. How I had longed to be thin. How I would look at my stomach in the mirror and cry, disgusted by what I saw. I knew I didn’t want to be fat again. I had to lose the weight but this time I wanted to do it the right way. I needed to be taught how to eat. I decided to join Weight Watchers.

I LOVED Weight Watchers! I loved going to the meetings every week. Even if I didn’t lose anything I still felt positive when I left those meetings. I was able to eat foods I liked and was able to lose the weight. I felt in control. But, just like before it didn’t take long before Weight Watchers became an obsession. It was my goal each day to get by on the minimal amount of points I was allowed. There was even a period of time I followed Weight Watchers and the South Beach diet at the same time. Not a good combination.

Once again I found myself feeling restless and tired all of the time. I couldn’t concentrate and I had terrible mood swings. I had also become obsessed with the gym. I was working out every day, 2-3 hours a day. My day revolved around the gym. I would have panic attacks if I had to change my gym schedule and don’t even get me started on if I couldn’t go at all. I was doing mostly cardio because “cardio burns fat.” I got down to a size 4. I could see my ribs, hip bones and collar bones. As great as that made me feel I only focused on what I still had left to work on. My thighs were too big, they rubbed together. I still had loose skin on my stomach. I had to work harder. I had to lose more.

My heaviest------My lightest------My healthiest

In 2012 I had a reaction to something I ate. I had developed a food sensitivity literally over night. As annoying as it is, my sensitivity to certain foods and the reactions I would have were my saving grace. I think it was my body telling me enough is enough.

Through several doctors visits trying to find the answer to my food sensitivity I found out I have a heart murmur. The murmur, while I may have been born with it, was likely caused by my disordered eating. I also have a very low resting heart rate. As much as I would like to tell myself its because I am so active, my eating disorder plays a big role. It was so low one time I was sent to ER. It wasn't until recently I discovered I could have gone into cardiac arrest. I have had cavities, not from vomiting as I only tried that once, but simply from undernourishment. I have destroyed my metabolism which wasn't fast to begin with and I cant even begin to imagine how much muscle I have wasted through under eating and over exercising.

Since that time I have worked very hard on learning to feed my body well, accept and appreciate the body I have and improve my overall health. I still suffer from Bulimia Nervosa but I work everyday on recovery. If you pay attention you will see the signs. I am very hard on myself and I criticize my body often.  I don't take compliments well because my first reaction is disbelief. I don't like to be in the spot light for fear of criticism. Missing a day at the gym still causing me some anxiety. Going out to eat or someone else cooking for me makes me uneasy because I can’t control what goes into my food. When I eat certain foods I feel guilty and shame myself. There are many days I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl. While I am not “cured” I am on my recovery journey. I don't think I will ever truly rid myself of the negative thoughts about my body and I will never be the thin I dream to be. That is not my body type. But every day I work on acceptance. Every day I work on confidence. Every day I try to find one thing I think is awesome about my body.

The best advice I can give is that It’s important to find beauty in yourself and love yourself so you can spread that love to others. It’s important to teach our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, sisters, etc. that their bodies are amazing no matter what size or shape! Show them, teach them, all the amazing things their bodies are capable of and they are more than a body type. Encourage them to be active and exercise, not to lose weight or to look a certain way, but for health and strength. Eliminate descriptive words like fat and skinny. And finally, if you think a friend or family member is suffering from an eating disorder or body image issues don’t be afraid to ask them. Sometimes they just need someone to listen.

If you would like to find out more about Bulimia Nervosa or other eating disorders please reference the links below.

National Eating Disorder Association: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ 

Eating Disorder Hope: https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/eating-disorder

ANDA: http://www.anad.org/