Dark Circles

WHHHHHAAAAATTTT I’m back bitches!!! Awww yeah! Its 2018 and I’m ready to drop some healthy knowledge bombs on all of you! LOL. No but really, hey there! I couldn’t think of a better way to ring in the New Year (yes, I realize that was months ago…blah) than with a new blog post.  Shenanigans! I’ve been out of the game for a hot minute. Did you miss me?  I’ve missed writing to you…. whoever takes a few moments to read this.  Darn you Hurricane Irma!

I have been having trouble figuring out what to write. Do I recap what my life has entailed since I went on hiatus? Do I just start a new? I just haven’t really known so I figured I would just keep it real. Life has been crazy. And by crazy, I mean a total shit show. But that’s life, right? My Mom always says, “That’s life, deal with it.” So, I’m dealing. I could use a vacation or even just a weekend. But, if you know me…that’s not in my cards. I have a hard time taking time off. It gets me out of my routine and my mind wanders which is never a good thing.

My sister and her family went to Aruba this past December. My sister is on this kick about making memories instead of giving gifts to her family. It’s a great idea. The experiences will last a lifetime where as the tangible products will lose their luster. And, who needs more shit to sit around? Not me!

She recently started talking to me about this year’s family trip. She wants my hubs and I to join them. She talked about Ireland and she talked about Alaska. I’m not really into the whole Alaska thing…..HELLO….it’s cold there! Do we forget I do not do well in the cold?! But, I would do it. My husband REALLY wants to go, and I want to make it to all 50 states before I expire so I could suck it up. The issue is that I just don’t want to go on vacation. Especially for any extended period of time. 

Ever since I got back from our honeymoon in Hawaii, April 2017, I have been wrecked. That trip was the first time in probably 5-6 years I was living life. It felt like this giant fog had parted away from my eyes and I could finally see color, smell the sunshine and breath. When that week came to an end I shed tears knowing I was going to come back to my regimented, Monday through Friday, sun up to sun down life. My life where my weekends are just two days off to prepare for the next work week. My life of complete exhaustion. My life of bed times, bills and deep dark circles under my eyes even makeup can’t fully cover. A life in which I was just going through the motions.

When we got back home I was obsessed with looking at photos and videos from our trip. I would listen to their local radio station online all in hopes to keep that feeling alive. Then slowly that stopped. It all changed, and this overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me and it has stuck there. I can’t look at photos of our trip anymore because I just cry.  My sister says there is more to life than Hawaii. She’s just saying that because she has never been. Hawaii is life! LOL.  She says I need to go more vacations. Instead of being sad about one ending I should start planning the next one so I have something to look forward too. She’s smart.

With everything going on lately I have been distracted beyond belief and haven’t had time to dwell on the fact that my days are no longer filled with visions of the bluest water I have ever seen. Then the other night I went to get my hair done. As I was sitting in the chair, looking in the mirror while the lady plastered my hair with foils to bring out my natural blonde highlights and cover up the small streak of grey hair I have hiding, I saw them. Those deep dark circles engulfing my sunken in, tired eyes. I had a fleeting thought of “I’m just tired of being tired.” As I stared at my face in the mirror I also noticed the slight downward turn of the corners of my mouth. I took a deep sigh. My focus returned to my eyes. “I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have dark circles under my eyes.” I thought to myself. Then I remembered. “Nope, I remember. Hawaii.” The last time and really the only time in the past 5-6 years my eyes were bright and open was when we were in Hawaii. When I was living life, when I was my best self. My eyes welled up slightly, but I fought back the tears to avoid embarrassment.

When my mind goes there I put up my wall. My thoughts immediately switch to regret. Why did I ever agree to go on that stupid trip? I never should have gone for a whole week? Its just easier to live in my bubble. But is it? The answer is no. My bubble is complacency.

While I usually forget resolutions or don’t make them at all this year I made myself a promise to keep moving forward. My dream is to help others. Help others achieve their health and fitness goals and be the best version of themselves. I want to own my own business and so slowly, way slower than I would like, I have started working toward that goal. I realized A LOT on that trip and one of those realizations is life is too short to let it just happen around you. You need to get involved, steer your own course instead of falling in line.  So, for me 2018 is the year of making moves, the year of change, the year of progress, the year of becoming Jennifer again.

What is 2018 for you? I would love to hear what you have going on for this year! Are you rediscovering yourself like me? Are you making a move in your career, where you live etc?  Leave a comment or messages me on Instagram. You can even e-mail me.

Thanks for reading! I promise next weeks blog post will be more……up beat? I just let me fingers do the talking today.

Catch ya on the flippity!

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